There was a story on the Today show today about how people without kids are happier. C mentioned it a couple times tonight as she complained about what a pain in the ass her daughter is. "Never have kids." I think it's just that she's not taking meds. I will always be on meds. I promise.
Am now watching "Pulp Fiction" on VH1. One of my favorite movies ever, but it's not that good if they have to bleep out the language and violence. Aren't those attributes sort of the crux of the movie?
Ahh! I get the same phone call every night from Environment Oregon trying to get me to renew my membership. Every night going on three weeks. I never answer, except once, when I hung up. They didn't get it and tried to call back. Comcast has called twice and each time I've hung up. What a dumb life.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Newport Aquarium
Today I went to the Newport Aquarium with E. It was a sunny and beautiful day, too hot to stay in town. So we went to the beach. When we were at the ocean, I realized the last time I was at a beach was in Aberystwyth, Wales, with EF. It was sunny and bright there, too. When I looked out the window from our hotel room, it looked just the same as it did today: bright and blue forever. The night we went to The Bae Club. Really, I felt I was at the edge of the universe. First, we were the oldest ones there...all the other kids were 18 or 19. And they were the university students, the ones who failed their exams so had to come back to retake them. Maybe that explained the group of guys--maybe their equivalents in the US would have been frat boys?--who repeatedly requested Phil Collins songs like "Sussudio" and "Don't Lose My Number". At one point they were in a line-formation, walking the beat with bent legs and arms like they were doing curl-ups. There were a few songs we danced to together. "I Predict a Riot" by the Kaiser Chiefs. Don't know who it is, or who sings it; it goes "I just wanted to hoooooold you in mmyyyy arrrrmmms..." The air was hot and muggy; I held him in my arms because I wanted to be there forever, at the edge of my universe, even though we were driving back to London the next day and I would leave him. And he would leave me there.
I miss him so much. But maybe it's the idea of him I miss the most. He was never really there. Elusive. It was at the edge of the universe, at the border between what was and what could have been. My imagination sort of tipped my vessel over the edge into non-existence, like a boat at the edge of the horizon that finally disappears, or a the driftwood that washes onto the shore and returns with the tide.
I miss him so much. But maybe it's the idea of him I miss the most. He was never really there. Elusive. It was at the edge of the universe, at the border between what was and what could have been. My imagination sort of tipped my vessel over the edge into non-existence, like a boat at the edge of the horizon that finally disappears, or a the driftwood that washes onto the shore and returns with the tide.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Ennui, summer, and what it's all for
I joined a writing group tonight. But I don't write anything besides mediocre literary analysis for school. And that's over.
I'm a fraud. But I'll try. But while I'm a mediocre writer, I'm also a mediocre fraud.
I realized that just meeting with people and talking to them was good, mostly afterwards when the veil of depression slipped over me again while I waited for the bus. It's so beautiful outside in the evening, but that's when I feel worst. I walk around and see groups of friends together, laughing, and barbecues in backyards. Through screendoors I hear families having dinner and parents getting their kids to bed. People work in gardens in the evening. I peek at the prices of all the homes for sale, knowing I can't buy a house or a condo or a hovel. All the commonplace happiness feels out of my reach.
No one knows how much help I need. Except A. And I think he has hurt himself, or at least wants me to think he has. Both are bad options. If he's done something to himself, I shudder. I would never know. Or be able to openly mourn. I don't want him to do that to himself. And if he's trying to make me think he has, well, that's bad too. Because I am worried. Last time we got in a fight because I am tired of giving him money. It's no good for me. Am I paying to have a boyfriend? Pretty much, yes. And when I bring this up to him, he berates me, tells me I am selfish, he has nothing. I said, I don't want much, I just want to keep what I have.
I know it's manipulation, and I know he is a sorry example of any type of person I would ever want to be with. But I am with him. When he's not with his wife. Even when they almost broke up, though, I wouldn't have him. I wanted him to get back together with her. I want him to leave me. I want to leave him. But he is my best friend, because I have no friends. He repulses me and I can't live without him, now. I imagine I were the type of girl who would have none of it. The one I was when I first found out he was married...I threw him out. I was that girl for several days, until I said I would look past it, wouldn't ask for details. Almost 2 years later and I'm not that girl anymore. Not even close. I'm not jealous. I don't care. I really don't care. I have compartmentalized to the point of no compassion, no ideals. I think she must be stupid to be with him still. She knows he's a philanderer. They can't even take care of their child. Or themselves. Two losers, together, losing themselves even more. And I'm somewhere in this, making it worse, or at least not making it better. And what about ME? I'm losing myself, alone. I thought I deserved more. But I don't.
I'm a fraud. But I'll try. But while I'm a mediocre writer, I'm also a mediocre fraud.
I realized that just meeting with people and talking to them was good, mostly afterwards when the veil of depression slipped over me again while I waited for the bus. It's so beautiful outside in the evening, but that's when I feel worst. I walk around and see groups of friends together, laughing, and barbecues in backyards. Through screendoors I hear families having dinner and parents getting their kids to bed. People work in gardens in the evening. I peek at the prices of all the homes for sale, knowing I can't buy a house or a condo or a hovel. All the commonplace happiness feels out of my reach.
No one knows how much help I need. Except A. And I think he has hurt himself, or at least wants me to think he has. Both are bad options. If he's done something to himself, I shudder. I would never know. Or be able to openly mourn. I don't want him to do that to himself. And if he's trying to make me think he has, well, that's bad too. Because I am worried. Last time we got in a fight because I am tired of giving him money. It's no good for me. Am I paying to have a boyfriend? Pretty much, yes. And when I bring this up to him, he berates me, tells me I am selfish, he has nothing. I said, I don't want much, I just want to keep what I have.
I know it's manipulation, and I know he is a sorry example of any type of person I would ever want to be with. But I am with him. When he's not with his wife. Even when they almost broke up, though, I wouldn't have him. I wanted him to get back together with her. I want him to leave me. I want to leave him. But he is my best friend, because I have no friends. He repulses me and I can't live without him, now. I imagine I were the type of girl who would have none of it. The one I was when I first found out he was married...I threw him out. I was that girl for several days, until I said I would look past it, wouldn't ask for details. Almost 2 years later and I'm not that girl anymore. Not even close. I'm not jealous. I don't care. I really don't care. I have compartmentalized to the point of no compassion, no ideals. I think she must be stupid to be with him still. She knows he's a philanderer. They can't even take care of their child. Or themselves. Two losers, together, losing themselves even more. And I'm somewhere in this, making it worse, or at least not making it better. And what about ME? I'm losing myself, alone. I thought I deserved more. But I don't.
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